


Elijah

by IHateToSeeYourHeartBreak



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: AU, F/M, trans!Eli, transgender character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-08-09 12:10:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7801342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IHateToSeeYourHeartBreak/pseuds/IHateToSeeYourHeartBreak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nozomi wanted to be the one who knew Eli best, and she wanted one day to be Eli's bride. With these thoughts in mind, after high school graduation, Nozomi decided she couldn't keep silent anymore. The Death card was calling her to make a change. There would be an end, and a glorious new beginning. (transman Eli AU. NozoEli. Please read and comment)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introducing Elijah

**Author's Note:**

> You may be saying to yourself, "Haven't I seen this before?" Why, yes, but I decided to delete Love Live! Tumblr Prompts Project. This AU took on a life of its own, and so I believe it deserves to stand on its own. Anyway, this story will feature a lot of gender dysphoria on Eli's part, coming out to μ's and family members and facing transphobia from some of them, intimacy issues, trust issues, self-esteem issues, and maybe an M-rated chapter in the future. Some of this story will be lighthearted and quite a bit of it will not. That's life, and as a transgender man myself, I won't be sugarcoating stuff. Anyway, I hope you enjoy and leave some comments.

Nozomi had never been one to enjoy labeling things. Take her tarot readings, for example. Whenever she drew the Death card, people usually immediately assumed the worst. However, in reality, the Death card was complex, just like any other card in the tarot deck, and could be interpreted in many ways. Nozomi usually interpreted it as the end of something, but an end that made room for a new beginning. It was quite poetic, and a card she felt she could relate to as a person also so often misunderstood. In keeping with this spirit, Nozomi attempted not to immediately label anyone in her life. Honoka wasn't just an airhead. Kotori wasn't just a pushover. Umi wasn't always a tyrant. Hanayo was more than just her shyness. There was more to Rin than her tomboyish exterior. There was more to Nico than self-aggrandizement. Maki wasn't just cold and prideful. And as for Eli...

Eli had certainly turned out to be more than Nozomi or any of her classmates could have guessed. The cold, strict and studious student council president could be dorky, shy, silly, funny, clueless, innocent, childish, spoiled and many other things. She was beautiful _and_ handsome, with flowing blonde hair, long legs, a sizable bust, sharp facial features and icy blue eyes. Nozomi fell for her easily and instantly, and the more time she spent with her, the deeper Nozomi fell. Every quirk and imperfection made her more approachable, more human and more lovable. Nozomi wanted to be the one who knew Eli best, and she wanted one day to be Eli's bride. With these thoughts in mind, after high school graduation, Nozomi decided she couldn't keep silent anymore. The Death card was calling her to make a change. There would be an end, and a glorious new beginning. Nozomi was sure this referred to her relationship with Eli.

And she wasn't wrong. She also wasn't right.

Nozomi was a babbling mess, confessing to her love. She informed Eli that she hadn't labeled herself a lesbian, but was still sure about her romantic feelings for Eli. The blond listened intently to everything Nozomi had to say, cheeks growing redder by the minute. Nozomi was sure this meant her prospects were good, but was nervous regardless. Her intuition told her something was about to happen. She could feel the anticipation growing behind Eli's eyes. The quarter Russian had something to say.

"Nozomi, I can't accept your feelings."

Perhaps Nozomi should reconsider the possible negative readings of the Death card.

"I mean, don't get me wrong, I have romantic feelings for you, too. That is to say, I would love to go out with you."

Now Nozomi was just confused. How did she know there was a "but" approaching? And why was a "but" approaching?

"It's just that… Nozomi, there's something I need to tell you. Something neither you, nor anyone else, knows about me. We're both adults now, though, and it's about time we begin living our lives honestly and authentically."

Nozomi didn't exactly calm down, but the thumping of her heart and the dropping of her stomach did slow. Of course, as her best friend, Nozomi would listen.

"I guess I should start by saying that I love μ's, and I loved performing with everyone. And I certainly didn't lie to Honoka when I explained to her why we third years couldn't continue being school idols. But there was more to it than that."

Nozomi felt a small pang when she realized there were things Eli hadn't been telling her about. She wanted to be the person Eli told everything to.

"In my own way, I was able to find enjoyment in performing and dressing up in Kotori's handcrafted outfits. She put so much effort into making them... plus, I was a ballerina, and I loved it... and of course, I have attended all-girl schools and worn skirts all my life... But something always felt off. Among all the pink and the skirts, my body changing and maturing, I felt like I was being left behind. Like I was somewhat... detached from it all."

Nozomi nodded and made a reassuring sound so that Eli would know it was alright to continue. The pause gave Nozomi enough time to think that she had no idea where Eli could be going with this.

"When we performed Love Wing Bell, and we all dressed up as grooms and convinced Rin to be the center and bride, the wheels in my head finally began to spin. I was raised in a very conservative Russian Orthodox household and wasn't exposed to the LGBT community, but that was more out in the open for me to see here in Japan."

Nozomi smiled and nodded, once more reconsidering that the Death card could be taking her somewhere pleasant after all. She thought back to the Love Wing Bell performance, when Hanayo had basically proclaimed her love for Rin. They were young and innocent, but Nozomi would keep an eye on them and provide the necessary push when the time was right. And, Nozomi thought of how Eli had looked so handsome that a talent scout offered her a modeling position on the spot as they were taking pictures.

"I did a lot of research on the topic and couldn't really find anything that resonated with me until I came across a forum in a website about certain Thai products... I ordered one, and it worked better than I thought it would. It looked really, really great, actually and... Since we're here, I might as well show you, actually."

Eli got up from her bed where the two had been seated, stealthily grabbed something from her closet, and disappeared into her bathroom. Nozomi took the time to try and figure out where Eli was headed with all of that talking, but she really couldn't piece anything together. Eli emerged from the bathroom more quickly than Nozomi had expected.

At first, Nozomi didn't notice any difference. Eli hadn't changed outfits or hairstyle, and visibly grew restless as Nozomi stared. Eli made a full turn once, twice, thrice, and it finally clicked for Nozomi.

"Your chest looks flatter."

"Yeah. It's called a chest binder. It's meant for people who aren't comfortable with the size of their chest, its appearance and its... well, its movement and such. I haven't worn it outside my bedroom and I've hid it deep inside my closet. And well, what I had been trying to tell you, Nozomi, is—"

Eli sat back down on her bed, looking Nozomi straight in the eyes. Hesitant green and resolute blue stared at each other for several seconds before Eli spoke.

"It's called transgender, Nozomi. I thought long and hard about it, and it just makes so much sense. There are a lot of things I want to do. In Japan, I could change my name and sex marker if I undergo therapy and hormones and surgery in Thailand. I like Ilya, which is the Russian equivalent of the English name Elijah. I'd still be Eli, just pronounced differently. So... so I'm a boy, Nozomi. And I can't accept your feelings because the feelings you have right now are for someone you thought you knew, but doesn't exist. I know you said you're not a lesbian, but... And for that reason, you deserve to know who I really am."

Nozomi had never been one to enjoy labeling things, and especially not labeling people. She knew other people had labels that they were comfortable using, but she avoided them for herself. She didn't want to even try to pin down her sexuality with a word. Her gender, on the other hand, hadn't gone into consideration. There had never been any exploration, any pondering like there had been with her sexuality. She took it for granted that she was simply a girl. She took it for granted that she could just label all her friends as girls. Except, now, Eli. Elijah. Ilya.

Nozomi was silent for a very long time. A terrifyingly long time, in Eli's opinion. He stared at his lap, unsure of what to do or say. He couldn't rightly leave, as Nozomi was his best friend, and a guest in his house. He couldn't ask her to leave, for to suddenly invest this information on her and then pushed her away would be foolish and—although he would hate to consider the possibility—potentially dangerous. No one else knew, after all, and Eli wanted it to stay that way.

When Nozomi finally looked up, Eli's head snapped up and their eyes met. Nozomi's smile, although always radiant and breathtaking, soothed Eli now more than ever before.

"Elijah, huh?"

And Eli felt tears pooling in his eyes, but not the kind he had feared he would be shedding. Always the spoiled one, Eli flung himself forward, and Nozomi automatically opened her arms, ready to welcome her best friend into them as she had done many times before. Never had a hug been this bone-crushingly intense, but Nozomi happily endured as Eli sobbed onto Nozomi's chest. The hug felt very different, not because of the information Eli had shared but because of the lack of pillowy cushions against her own chest. Nozomi frowned. It would take some getting used to, no doubt. As a Washi Washi master, this was somewhat troubling, but Nozomi would never do anything to make her friends truly and deeply uncomfortable. The other members of μ's had complained and made a show of trembling in fear, but all involved were aware it was lighthearted teasing and fun. Nozomi would need time to change her behaviors and ways of thinking about things, but it was worth it for someone like Eli.

Eli pulled back after several minutes, sniffling and smiling broadly. Nozomi smiled back, though it was tense from the absorption of so much new information. Eli's smile weakened when he remembered how he had wanted to finish the conversation.

"I want you to know that although I hoped we would still be best friends, I didn't expect you to immediately decide on whether or not you still have romantic feelings for me. You can take as much time as you need. This must be overwhelming and really shocking, so take all the time you—mmph!"

Eli had not been expecting a pair of lips to silence his in an intense kiss, but he couldn't find it in himself to complain. As Nozomi had thought before, he was content allowing things to simply happen. When Nozomi finally pulled away, Eli was met with a very confident and radiant smile, the kind he rarely saw on Nozomi's face. Genuine smiles that reached those green eyes and made them sparkle were very rare indeed, and it made his heart thump at speeds that even the nerves of coming out to Nozomi had been unable to reach.

"I told you I didn't label my sexuality, _Eli_ cchi," Nozomi said, stressing the difference in pronunciation, "and I don't want you to believe any differently from what I said. I love you. And I love _you_ : the handsome, goofy, determined, responsible, childish person I've known for three years now. That person is still sitting here before me. And I want _him_ "—the name had made Eli smile but the pronoun stretched it from ear to ear—"to be my boyfriend. I-if he'll have me, of course."

Eli felt absolutely giddy. He had been so nervous he could have never imagined a shy, blushing Nozomi would ask such a thing of him. And as he clamped his hands down on her shoulders and pulled her in for another kiss, he was sure he had made the right choice.

Nozomi had known the real him all along, and now, she just knew even more. And if he was lucky, she would have a lifetime to get to know him even better. And of course, the reverse would be true as well.

The end of one relationship and the beginning of another had nearly seamlessly blended together, and stretched now into the endless horizon. 


	2. The Judgement Card

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please enjoy and please leave some comments. You can suggest future chapter topics.

The only reason Nozomi and Eli hadn't gone out on a date yet was that Nozomi was too inexperienced in the field of managing a partner's gender dysphoria to give Eli the push he needed.

Initially, Nozomi had decided not to ask Eli out on any dates. From what she gathered from Internet research, some transgender men threw all gender stereotypes and expectations to the wind and some clung to them as being essential parts of feeling validated in their identity. Particularly considering that Eli had only ever come out to Nozomi and his awareness of his gender identity was young, Nozomi wanted to tread lightly.

She was afraid to bring up dates at all around him. When they spent time in his room during the final days of summer break, he was able to wear his binder and his most androgynous clothes. Chaste kisses, lively conversation, plenty of teasing and blushing, and tea and snacks could certainly be considered dates, but Nozomi really wanted to spend time together elsewhere, especially the place at which they had eaten so many parfaits.

A change had occurred in Eli after he came out to Nozomi, so much so that Alisa inquired about it one day when she opened the door for Nozomi.

"Why does onee-chan spend all her time in her bedroom all of a sudden?"

Although Eli had never been one to go out a lot, he had exercised regularly even before joining Muse and frequently went on errands for his parents. He would take Alisa to the movies, the arcade, and shopping for their "sisterly quality time together". He would watch TV with Alisa and their parents if he wasn't too busy with homework, and he would help make dinner occasionally. That had changed. Eli wasn't seen outside his room very much anymore, and Alisa could sense that their parents were worried but wanted to give their eldest his space.

Nozomi listened intently until Eli arrived at the foot of the stairs and asked why Alisa hadn't sent Nozomi up to his room like she had done many times before. Alisa opened and closed her mouth, feeling guilty for talking about him with Nozomi behind his back. After looking between the siblings, Nozomi noticed Eli hadn't taken his binder off before leaving his room. Nozomi smiled her most serene smile and simply walked past Eli up the stairs, and he followed without a second thought. She felt she had gotten both siblings out of a potentially sticky situation.

As she and Eli began to chat, Nozomi wondered whether that was the best time to bring up Alisa's concerns. She had concerns of her own related to going outside his bedroom. The two were about to embark for university, where they had managed to secure a dorm room together. Nozomi was honored that Eli felt so comfortable around her as to share living space, but it seemed he was uncomfortable with everyone else. As much as she understood Eli did not want to come out to anyone—not his parents, not his sister, not even the rest of Muse—Nozomi also knew that Eli couldn't stay cooped up in his room forever. He certainly couldn't stay cooped up in their dorm room; college was the time to be most socially active in life, after all. Beyond just classes there would be parties, theatrical productions, clubs, organizations, jobs, internships, and so much more. Nozomi had to confront Eli about it all.

"Elicchi—I mean-!"

Nozomi occasionally called her boyfriend by his dead name, even when they were alone. Nozomi knew that a new name and pronouns would be difficult to master, but felt awful nonetheless.

"You know, Nozomi, maybe it would be easier to get my name right if you didn't use that nickname anymore. It may be too attached to my dead name in your mind."

Nozomi wanted to protest, but she held back. It was up to him to decide what he wanted to be called. An idea struck her, and she could barely contain a grin.

"You're right... Eli-kun."

The blush and small smile on Eli's face always felt like a victory to Nozomi.

"Eli, I wanted to talk to you about something."

Her serious tone made Eli sit up straighter on his bed and look her fully in the eyes, showing his girlfriend she had his full attention. Nozomi took a moment to decide on a way to begin the conversation.

"I've been wanting to go out on a date with you for quite some time now."

It was obvious that Eli was trying to hide his unease with the topic, but the small frown was clearly evident to Nozomi, and his eyes seemed to be struggling not to look away.

"I want to do that, too, Nozomi. It's just that... It's hard for me. I don't look how I feel that I should look and I can't even wear my binder outside my bedroom."

"We used to go out before you told me you were trans," she pointed out.

"I know, but it's different now. Especially now that we're dating. It... I don't know if I'll be able to explain it properly..."

Nozomi took both of Eli's hands with her own and gave them a squeeze, giving him her most supportive smile. "Could you try?"

Eli nodded. "I don't want to go out with you as someone I'm not. That's why I came out to you—so that you wouldn't think you were dating someone who didn't exist. I don't like the idea of people seeing us as two girls dating, and I can't stand for it to seem that way even between us, when we're alone. W-we, we... We're not lesbians, you know? But also, I could hide my hair in a hat and dress in men's clothes and in my binder, and still no one would see me as male. I don't pass... And imagine if I went out dressed like a guy and someone we know saw us!"

Nozomi nodded along, trying to process all of the different things Eli had said.

"I really do want us to go out, but... I just don't know if I could do it, Nozomi."

Eli was getting emotional now, and although his voice hadn't cracked yet and there were no tears, Nozomi understood that it was difficult for Eli to admit to his insecurities and openly discuss what he felt were his major shortcomings.

"What about at college? We'll be living away from home and away from the younger ones in Muse. You could dress how you want. You could introduce yourself to everyone as Eli. You'd only be asking the teachers to pronounce your name differently, and if you dress a certain way, they could probably assume what your pronouns are. Would you be more comfortable then?"

Eli looked like he had already spent time considering this, and he gave his answer immediately. "Nico will be there."

"You know you could trust Nicocchi." Even as Eli frowned deeply, Nozomi persisted. "I know she can be a bit inconsiderate sometimes, but she is serious when she needs to be, and she treasures you as a close friend." Nozomi grinned as she added, "She's got her thing for Maki-chan, and I'm pretty sure she's a lesbian, so she's no stranger to the community."

Eli nodded, though he was staring at the floor as if he wasn't truly listening to Nozomi. "I only _just_ came out to you, Nozomi. To _you_ because you're the one I love. Nico... is a good friend, but it's nearly impossible to know how someone will react to this sort of thing."

Nozomi grappled for something to respond with before she became suddenly aware of the weight in one of her pockets. "How about we consult the cards, then?"

Eli stared at Nozomi's hands as they retrieved the cards and began to shuffle them, not meeting Nozomi's gaze. "I know you put a lot of faith in your cards, and I respect that—"

"Great. I'll do a reading right now."

Eli sighed but didn't argue further. Nozomi held the deck out, and Eli dutifully took a card, turning it so that Nozomi could see it. "Judgement," Eli said. "Is that good or bad?"

"The Judgement card indicates that life-changing decisions are headed your way, and these decisions require a delicate blend of intuition and intellect. You have plenty of that, Eli-kun."

Nozomi won another smile and blush from that.

"You may be at a crossroads and aware that any decision that you make will bring about significant change. The choice can be an obvious one, or perhaps the only viable one. You know that this choice must be made and you are facing it with maturity and level-headedness."

He only responded with an affirming noise.

Nozomi smiled as she continued. "Your own judgement is impeccable at this time; you can trust it completely and know that you are on the right path. If you still require clarity on the situation, look to your past experiences and life lessons which will guide you on the right path."

"You sound like a recording, Nozomi."

"I'm self-taught, so I've memorized some things. Anyway, your only past experience with coming out is me, right? And it went well enough, I'd say."

Eli visible tensed. His eyes shot down to his laps, hands fidgeting. Nozomi knew this response. Eli was hiding something from Nozomi. It wasn't in her nature to pry, but she did raise an eyebrow as he finally looked up.

"You are the first person I've ever come out to." He said it with unshakable certainty and finality in his voice. "However..." Eli took a deep breath and looked back down at his lap before continuing. "When I was still in ballet, even back then, way before puberty, I had felt that something was wrong. I couldn't figure out what exactly, mind you. It was just sort of there, always in the back of my mind. I vocalized this once, to a fellow ballerina. Needless to say, she shunned me and call me weird. It only made me feel more like a stranger in my own body. It was hard to dance properly after that. Even though I enjoyed it so much, I couldn't put my all into it. It's no wonder I was eventually forced to abandon that dream, if I'm being honest."

Nozomi looked down at her own lap, where one of her hands still held the rest of her tarot deck.

"Look at the card, Eli-kun." Eli raised the card up to his face so he could examine it properly. "In the background, there are huge mountains, which signify insurmountable obstacles and the impossibility of avoiding judgment."

Nozomi gently took the card from his hands, placed it back within the deck, and placed it back in her pocket. She took hold of Eli's hands once again. "When you come out and to whom is totally up to you. I won't hound you or try to tell you what to do. But you know you'll have to come out to everyone eventually. μ's is a good place to start, seeing as everyone loves you so much and don't have the same... well, the same perspective as family members would. We are a family, though, even if it's not a biological one. You and I are the Papa and Mama of μ's, right?"

Eli had to chuckle at that. Nozomi smiled as she continued.

"Nico is the closest friend we have, and university is the closest thing we have to a home away from home. I think it would be good for you to spend some time living as your true self among other people. And universities are usually filled with the most liberal people around. Just think about it, ok? Can you promise me that you will?"

Despite hesitating, Eli eventually nodded, looking into Nozomi's eyes and giving her the most confident smile he could manage. Nozomi returned the smile before leaning in to kiss him. She tried her best to put all her strength and love into it, and Eli seemed to be responding to it, for he quickly deepened the kiss. The intensity of it surprised them but didn't frighten them. They pulled back and smiled, this time wider, almost giddy. Nozomi kissed him again, feeling emotion and warmth welling up in her chest, pressing her to do something about it. Eli was knocked backwards onto his bed, and he was winded for only a small moment before he eagerly returned the kiss with all he had.

When Nozomi's hand slipped under his shirt and laid on his stomach, however, all feelings and thoughts were replaced with pure dread, and his eyes flew open. He used his arms and elbows to propel his body backwards and away from the offending hand. His head hit the backboard of his bed, and he cried out in pain. Nozomi's previously closed eyes rushed open and she moved back as well, holding her arms up as if she had been caught committing a crime. The two gazed at each other with equal parts alarm and confusion. For a moment, Eli looked like he had forgotten why he had reacted that way, but then he moved further back, flattening his back against the headboard. Nozomi returned to a more comfortable sitting position and tried to swallow down the lump that had arisen in her throat.

"I'm sorry, Nozomi. I just... I don't want to be touched like that."

"I understand," Nozomi responded quickly, almost mechanically and automatically. Eli felt panic constrict his breathing, fear rising in his throat and swirling in his stomach. He was making her have to understand a lot of things, wasn't he? He was a freak, wasn't he? She deserved better, didn't she? 'Someone normal and whole and—'

"Eli-kun, I'm sorry, too."

Eli blinked several times at her before he managed to pry himself away from his thoughts and regain his grip on the present situation. "Sorry? What for? You didn't do anything wrong. It's me. I'm the one who—"

Nozomi placed a finger on his lips, immediately quieting him and causing him to blush once more. Nozomi resisted a giggle before saying, "You're the one who has to tell me what his limits are."

Nozomi removed her finger and gave him a nonchalant shrug. "And I should tell you mine, too. It's not like I'm ready to go full throttle either."

They spent the rest of their time together discussing what could and could not be touched on both their bodies, what Eli called certain parts of his body ( _chest_ , not boobs or breasts, and _genitalia_ or just _down there_ ), and even delved into a discussion about what the future might hold for them in the realm of sex. Nozomi was surprised by how open Eli was with her, albeit with plenty of blushing and stuttering. Nozomi was reminded of Umi, and could almost hear the bluenette muttering 'shameless' as they talked. Nozomi felt extremely privileged that Eli, who was typically a very closed-off and cold individual, could show such a vulnerable side of himself when it was only Nozomi. It was as if they had been dating for more than just over a week. _'Nicocchi does like to call us a married couple.'_

"Eli-kun," Nozomi said once they had finished their conversation. "Why don't we go downstairs into the living room and watch a movie with Alisa? A little birdy told me she misses spending time with you."

"Spending time with her _big sister,_ " he said, and Nozomi was surprised by the bitterness in his voice.

"Spending time with her amazing, handsome, smart, kind, loving _sibling_ , you mean. You can't blame Alisa for not knowing; you haven't told her. And she loves you." Nozomi nudged his shoulder with her own. "Come on. We'll put on a romantic movie. Mild enough for your sister, of course. Consider it a pre-date."

Eli smiled and made his way into his bathroom, removing his binder. When he emerged, Nozomi took his hand and led the way down the stairs, another victory in her pocket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Tumblr is nozoelinicomakikotoumirinpana


	3. Parfait Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three chapters is all there is so far. There's not posting schedule, so please be patient. Leave me some comments with chapter ideas and I might be able to update sooner. What should happen when the two start college? How and when should Nico be told or figure out about Eli? Whether you comment or not, I hope you enjoy.

The day before Nozomi and Eli moved into their dorm room, they managed to snatch an opportunity to go out on a date.

Eli had been the one to suggest it, to Nozomi's utter surprise. He had revealed that because Alisa was spending the day at the Kousaka household and the Ayase parents worked, Eli had the house to himself. Although he would have preferred that they'd spent the day alone in his house, he knew it would be the best opportunity for him to leave and return undetected, and with his binder on. He hadn't many options when it came to clothes and ultimately decided to go with jeans and a plain white short-sleeved button-up shirt, and the black vest and tie that were part of the costume of the Love Wing Bell performance. He decided to tie up his hair and stuff it into a fedora, and pray for the best.

Nozomi was absolutely ecstatic and erratic as she tried to decide what to wear on their date. Her boyfriend had texted her about his wardrobe choice and she wanted to match his semi-casual style. She finally decided on a light summer dress, which was white with purple flowers and reached just past her knees. Hopefully, they would look like any other couple on an end-of-the-summer-break date. Nozomi decided not to tell Eli that she suspected Yukiho and Alisa had a similar idea.

Eli began the ten minute walk to Nozomi's apartment, which felt like an eternity. Although he rationally understood that every single passerby on the street couldn't possibly be staring at him, he felt the gaze of the world on him regardless. Did he pass? Did he look strange because almost all of his hair was hidden in a hat? Was his chest flat enough in the cheap binder made not for trans men but butch lesbians? What would the waitress at the café think of him? What if he had to use the bathroom while they were there?

When Nozomi opened the door, a handsome boy with a single rose in hand and the weight of the world clearly on his shoulders stood glaring at the welcome mat. He didn't even seem to notice the door had been opened. Nozomi leaned forward and pecked him on the cheek. His head tilted upwards so quickly he felt it could have flown off his neck, and he barely caught the smirk on Nozomi's lips before she grabbed the rose and turned to walk back into her apartment. He watched as she placed the flower in a vase on her kitchen table and returned to the door, smirk still present, perhaps even having grown. Eli felt his cheeks burning, but at least the source of his embarrassment wasn't his appearance.

"You look stunning, Nozomi."

Eli wasn't the kind to smirk easily, but if he was, he would have at the sight of Nozomi's blush.

"You look very handsome, Eli-kun."

Eli wasn't very good at fighting off incoming frowns, and Nozomi frowned sadly in return, predicting what must have been going on in his head. Nozomi stepped forward and took hold of Eli's arm, hooking her own onto it. She was glad Eli was the tallest in Muse and slightly taller than Nozomi herself, and she hoped that fact was a source of gender euphoria for him. She gave him her biggest smile, and he smiled in return.

"Why don't we head out now?"

The café was in Akiba and not a very long walk, and so they headed out on foot. The couple enjoyed being able to talk together, although Nozomi found it difficult to adjust to the sound of Eli lowering his voice as much as he could. She was unsure if it would be more supportive to let him know that it sounded forced or to allow him to do whatever made him feel better. She eventually decided on the latter, and for the sake of avoiding stares, she made sure to do most of the talking. It wasn't unusual for them, and so she hoped Eli wouldn't find it suspicious.

When they arrived at the store that stood before the café, Eli paused and stared ahead at the door as if it were an insurmountable obstacle. Nozomi stood at his side patiently, slightly squeezing his arm to show her support. He turned to meet her gaze as if searching for a way to garner strength from her turquoise eyes. He seemed to find it, for he flashed the genuine and joyful smile that had sent Nozomi's heart racing many times before. He stepped into the establishment with all the confidence he could muster, and as a waitress greeted them and led them to a table, Eli managed to hold on to the smile. Although his right leg began to shake immediately upon seating himself, he focused on Nozomi's eyes.

"Are we going to have the usual?" Eli asked, referring to a single chocolate (absolutely no caramel) topped parfait they usually shared, and Nozomi smiled at the sound of a voice not forced to its lowest point. Nozomi nodded as she took hold of one of Eli's hands with her own, and his shaking leg slowed just slightly.

"What can I get for you... two?"

Nozomi resisted frowning as the waitress looked between the two, evidently unsure of Eli's gender and remaining vague, though without any tact. Eli opened his mouth, a defeated look on his face, but Nozomi stepped in.

"My boyfriend and I would like to share a chocolate-topped parfait."

The waitress smiled weakly. She had noticed the way Eli was dressed, but the duo were regulars at the place, so she was well aware of who they were. She had seen the two in their school uniforms many times, and was confused as to how Nozomi could be calling Eli a boy. Was that what lesbians were doing now? Was Nozomi ashamed of dating a girl and trying to pass her girlfriend off as a boyfriend? The waitress didn't want to risk the ire of two regulars and, after hesitating for a moment in her thoughts, simply bowed and walked away.

Nozomi was no mind reader, but there was really no way to miss the confusion and discomfort in the smile of the waitress. Still, Eli hadn't been looking at the waitress, so she assumed that all he knew was that the waitress had not questioned that he was her boyfriend. It was with that in mind that she turned back to Eli with a smile.

"Are you excited for move-in day?"

"Sort of?" Eli replied with a shrug. "College is exciting, of course, but since I need my family's help to move in..."

Nozomi nodded in understanding as Eli trailed off. "You know, if you told the rest of Muse, the nine of us would be more than enough to move all ours and Nico's stuff."

"No way," Eli said with a shake of her head, "My parents and Alisa aren't going to want to pass up helping me move in. I'm their... little girl. And older sister. So they're going to want to, you know, take a lot of pictures, and my dad will introduce himself to everyone on our floor..."

He trailed off again, and Nozomi simply nodded once more. At that moment, the waitress returned with their order. She took note of their sad expressions and wondered if Eli had gotten mad at being called Nozomi's boyfriend. She bowed and left quickly, not wanting to be the one to deal with it if the couple starting shouting at each other and disturbing the other customers.

"Are you afraid that if you move in looking like a girl, no one will take you seriously as a guy?"

Eli nodded silently. Nozomi sighed. She hadn't expected their date to start with such a sad conversation, and Nozomi couldn't think anything to say that would make Eli feel better. He couldn't come out to μ's, he couldn't come out to his family, and he couldn't avoid moving into their dorm room with them. Nozomi wracked her brain for something she could say to cheer him up until she decided that while she thought about that, it would be a shame to leave their parfait untouched.

Nozomi picked up one of the spoons the waitress had brought them and scooped up some cream and chocolate. She looked up from the glass and realize Eli was staring at the table. Nozomi cleared her throat and Eli looked up, a small smile gracing his face as he spotted the spoon. He opened his mouth and Nozomi fed him the treat, gaining a satisfied smile as Eli savored the chocolaty taste.

"I'm really glad we came here," Eli said as he picked up his spoon, preparing to return the favor. Nozomi gladly accepted the spoonful, humming before replying.

"Missed going out with me or missed the chocolate?" she asked teasingly.

"N-Nozomi!" Eli whined, pout deepening as Nozomi giggled.

"Have another spoonful, you adorable little baby."

Eli took the treat without further complaint, fully aware of the futility of such pursuits when it came to Nozomi.

"Oh, I have something very important to ask you," Nozomi said in a cheery voice.

Eli titled his head and scrunched his eyebrows but soon nodded for her to continue.

"Nicocchi asked me if, and I quote, one of you had proposed already."

Eli couldn't hold back a chuckle. "I wasn't aware she had realized we liked each other before either of us even confessed."

"I'm sorry to inform you of this, Eli-kun, but most of Muse assumed we were dating when they met us."

Eli nearly choked on the chocolate sauce and vanilla cream he had been swallowing when he heard that statement. As he coughed, he wondered if that was really true or just something Nozomi believed.

"Oh, is that right?"

Nozomi wondered if it would be appropriate to reveal the nicknames Nozomama and Papachika that both the fans and their fellow Muse members used, or remind Eli that no one protested the lyrics to Garden of Glass, or that Umi and Maki had worked together to create that song for them, or Honoka and Kotori's reactions to Nozomi's statement of "I would like to see Elichi in a sexy dress." Nico had even secretly praised Nozomi for Eli and her's "commitment to the fans in providing a lot of yuri vibes during lives". Nico had also been shocked to hear Nozomi and Eli would be living in the dorms instead of renting an apartment for themselves.

"That _is_ right. Nico feels like quite the third wheel around us."

"Oh, that isn't good. But I haven't seen her all summer, so thankfully she hadn't had to feel that way recently. Next time we all hang out we must not let her feel that way."

Nozomi nodded, keeping a small smile as she prepared to ask the question she had been trying to lead up to.

"When do you think I'll be able to tell the girls that we're dating?"

Eli stopped, hand in midair as he had been reaching for more parfait to feed Nozomi. He felt waves of dread and shame wash over him and his mind bombarded him with negative thoughts.

' _Nozomi deserves better than this. Of course she wants to be able to tell everyone that she's got a boyfriend. Who wouldn't? You know you'd shout that you love Nozomi from the rooftops if you could. But Nozomi has no reason to feel that way about you, you trans mess.'_

Eli slowly lowered his arm and glared down at the table as his thoughts spiraled out of control. Nozomi saw tears pool at the corners of his eyes and immediately began to panic. She had just been so selfish, hadn't she? Here she was, on a date with her trans boyfriend who had only come out to her two weeks ago, and who had only started dating her two weeks ago, and now she was trying to push him into telling everyone they were dating. Hadn't he insisted he didn't want anyone to see him as a lesbian? Didn't she promise to not pressure him into anything?

"Oh my gods, Eli! I'm so, so sorry!"

"No, Nozomi," Eli said fiercely enough that some of the patrons felt tempted to turn their heads to see what the commotion was about, "I'm the one who should be sorry. I barely even scrounged up enough courage to come out here with you. I barely managed to find the courage to come out to you. I know you deserve better treatment and I'm sorry I can't offer you that!"

Eli leaped onto his feet and power walked towards the exit, Nozomi hot on his heels. She wasn't even aware that people had begun to stare at them in the parfait shop. All she wanted was to catch up to Eli and comfort him, but he didn't make it easy as he broke into a sprint.

Nozomi cursed herself under her breath for not wearing a sports bra before calling out to him. This only succeeded in making him more anxious, as he feared someone he knew would hear her calling him by his new name. The tears fell freely as he ran all the way home, fumbling to remove his keys from his pocket. His distressed, clumsy movements gave a huffing Nozomi enough time to catch up to him as he threw open the door. All he wanted to do was run up the stairs and throw himself onto his bed to cry himself into exhaustion. It became clear to him that it would be impossible as Nozomi hugged him tightly around his stomach. He almost struggled to breathe with how tightly she was squeezing him.

"Please," Nozomi managed through her heavy panting, "wait."

Nozomi used her upper body to push Eli inside the house and towards the couch. She turned around quickly and locked the front door before dragging Eli down to sit on the couch next to her. She was finally starting to catch her breath when her boyfriend broke the silence. Tears were still freely flowing from his eyes and he struggled to choke out his words.

"Nozomi, y-you don't need to g-go through this. You d-don't d-deserve to have to go th-through this. I'm a big mess of dysphoria a-and low self-esteem and—" Eli took a deep breath to calm himself and swallowed hard before continuing, "—I'd make a horrible boyfriend if I tried to make you deal with all of that. You-you can get yourself a real man who can—"

A hand flew towards Eli and tightly clamped over his mouth, startling him out of his tunnel-visioned speech. He noticed for the first time that Nozomi was crying as well, granted in a much more quiet way.

"Don't say stuff like that. You're a real man, Eli. Even if I didn't know that until recently. Even if no one in the world knew it. You're my boyfriend, and nothing that you say will convince me to abandon you. Until the day you break up with me—" Eli's eyebrows scrunched in protest and Nozomi smiled "—which I hope never happens, you're going to be stuck with me."

Eli lifted a hand and removed Nozomi's from his mouth, holding hers in his own.

"I've never been stuck with you. I've been blessed by you."

Eli smirked as Nozomi's face redden considerably, and he thanked the gods Nozomi believed in so faithfully for guiding him to her.

"Always the charmer, Eli-kun."

Nozomi removed her hand from Eli's grasp and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Don't you dare leave me, Eli. Don't try to decide what's good for me, either. I'm a big girl. I can decide for myself who I want to be with. And I choose you."

The warmth in Nozomi's eyes combined with the sincerity in her voice couldn't have possibly allowed him to resist the temptation of pulling Nozomi towards him and kissing her with all the gusto he could muster. He felt a passion burning inside of him that only ballet and live performance with Muse had ever stirred in him. No, this flame burned much hotter. His head was spinning. His mood had been lifted above the clouds. His heart was beating hard enough to explode in his chest.

' _I'm in love,'_ he realized, and kissed Nozomi even harder.

Nozomi, for her part, felt as if she were soaring through the skies. She felt just as light headed and she struggled to do her part in the kiss since she felt she would melt like a puddle. The kiss only became more eager, more passionate and more desperate, as if they both had something to prove. The kiss deepened endlessly, hands moving up and down each other's bodies with the speed and carelessness only two teenagers falling in love for the first time could possess. They were competing to see who could pack the most love into this make out session, and they were both winning. The sound of the two taking deep breaths through their noses to avoid having to separate filled the living room and could have been heard by occupants in other rooms.

After a small eternity, the young couple separated and stared at each other. Panting, hair sticking out in a million directions, dress wrinkled and riding up, eyes filled with love and desire; Nozomi looked like a goddess in Eli's eyes. Fedora long knocked onto the floor, messy bun falling apart, vest and shirt pushed up, panting hard and blue eyes shining; Eli looked like a puppy in heat, somehow simultaneously adorable and sexy. It took all of her willpower not to rip the bottoms of his vest and shirt, all her strength not to press a million kisses on his neck.

After his breathing evened out—and after a full minute of Nozomi lying on top of Eli—the young man gave her a dazzling smile and proclaimed, "We never paid for our parfait!"

Eli giggled as Nozomi's eyes widened in panic and she scrambled off of him and started straightening herself out. He followed her example, fixing his bun and firmly replacing the fedora onto his head. He then held a hand out for Nozomi to take.

"Come on. It'll be my treat since I'm the one who ran away. Then we can take a walk in the park. After that emotional rollercoaster, I just want to enjoy this beautiful day with my beautiful girlfriend."

Equal parts flustered and elated, Nozomi took his hand and the two headed back out to face the world together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Tumblr is nozoelinicomakikotoumirinpana


	4. Move-in Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to clarify a few things about this AU. You may have noticed that it takes place in Japan and yet Nozomi and Eli are going to be dorming. Whilst I know it's much, much more common for Japanese college students to rent an apartment, I'm an American and I feel like it's more appropriate for me to write about what going to college is like in the United States. Of course, dorms exist in Japan and are actually becoming just as fancy as ones in universities in the US, though they tend to house more international students and have strict rules and curfews. Additionally,individual dorms are the dominant form of dorm room in Japan and that won't be featured in this story because the traditional American college experience includes having a roommate! Plus, you get some domestic NozoEli, and who doesn't love that? What I’m trying to say is that I'm going to do my best to balance American and Japanese things. I hope you all enjoy.

**A/N:** I just want to clarify a few things about this AU. You may have noticed that it takes place in Japan and yet Nozomi and Eli are going to be dorming. Whilst I know it's much, much more common for Japanese college students to rent an apartment, I'm an American and I feel like it's more appropriate for me to write about what going to college is like in the United States. Of course, dorms exist in Japan and are actually becoming just as fancy as ones in universities in the US, though they tend to house more international students and have strict rules and curfews. Additionally, individual dorms are the dominant form of dorm room in Japan and that won't be featured in this story because the traditional American college experience includes having a roommate! Plus, you get some domestic NozoEli, and who doesn't love that? What I’m trying to say is that I'm going to do my best to balance American and Japanese things. I hope you all enjoy.

* * *

If Elijah had to give a physical description of the feeling he would get whenever he was dead named or misgendered, he'd describe it as being hit by a powerful wave of cold ocean water. At the moment of impact, it would slam him with so much force that, just for a moment, he would swear it must be solid. As it washes over him, trying to drag him down into the icy depths, he would have to rely on a combination of his preparations in anticipation of the crash and the strength he could muster on reaction to the impact. The wave would leave him breathless, cold and more vulnerable to the next wave.  
Eli knew that, at the end of move-in day, he would be more exhausted from the crashing waves of dysphoria than from hauling around boxes. Even if Nozomi’s and his room was on the third floor of the building.

His father did a lot of the heavy lifting. After parking the family car directly in front of the building and shooing away the student volunteers who offered their muscle, the middle-aged man opened the trunk eagerly and picked up a box, loudly urging Eli to exit the car quickly. He wasn't quite as energetic and neither was his mother, and they both exited the car with near identical facial expressions and body postures reflecting their lethargy. Alisa, on the other hand, upon opening the door, leapt from her seat in the car and joined her father, smiling widely and taking in her surroundings.

“Eli, come on!” _Crash!_ The first cold wave to hit him on campus. “You're the one with the building key, room key and knowledge of the room number! We've gotta get going if we wanna have enough time to arrange your room!”

“I'm surprised you're this eager. I did tell you that there's no elevator in this building, right?”

Alisa gasped. “What do people with wheelchairs do?”

Taken aback by the sudden question, he responded automatically with, “Live elsewhere?”

Alisa frowned. “Well, that doesn't seem right!”

Eli smiled and placed a hand on her head affectionately. “Never change, Alisa.”

“Huh?”

“Come on, Eli!” _Crash!_ “I can't hold this box forever! I'm not as young as I once was.”

Eli held back a sigh before retrieving his school bag and leading the way to the side of the building. He retrieved his student identification card from his pocket and slid it through the card reader next to the entrance. The light on the card reader turned from red to green and Eli pulled on the door handle, and was surprised the door was lighter than it looked. He held the door open for his father, who was followed by his empty-handed wife and daughter. Eli trailed behind until he was forced to take the lead upon reaching the third floor, leading them down the hallway and to the very last room against the far wall.  
When he opened the door with a golden metal key, he jolted, which puzzled his family. They peered around him to see that Nozomi had already arrived. She had claimed the left side of the room and had two boxes on the bed plus one box and a large purse on her desk. Nozomi looked up just as alarmed but smiled broadly when her gaze met icy blue.

“Tojo-san!” Eli’s father called out with a huge smile, pushing past his eldest and towards the purple-haired girl. Eli scoffed audibly at the rough treatment, and his father gave him a pointed look. “Blocking doorways is rude, Elichika!” _Crash!_

“It's nice to see you, too, Ayase-san,” Nozomi said, bowing politely. She stole a glance at Eli with a sympathetic look before turning her gaze towards Alisa. The younger girl rushed forward and hugged Nozomi around the waist, exclaiming, “Nozomi-nee-chan!”

Nozomi giggled and Alisa did as well, the two hugging each other fiercely and affectionately until Eli’s mother cleared her throat loudly. Nozomi separated quickly from Alisa and bowed towards the woman.

Nozomi was surprised when Eli’s mother bowed low in return, saying, “Please take care of my daughter.” _Crash!_

Nozomi internally winced as she imagined the wave Eli had described, but smiled and bowed again, thanking the woman and assuring her that she would do just that.  
Eli stepped towards Nozomi, having suddenly been filled with an overwhelming urge got take control of the situation.

“Nozomi, where are your parents?”

Nozomi visibly wilted despite her best efforts to conceal her sadness. “They were too busy to help me move in so I took a taxi.”

“Oh no! You should have told us, Tojo-san! I wouldn't mind two trips! Was there anything you wanted to bring you couldn't fit in the taxi? Oh, you need help bringing up the rest of the boxes, right?”  
Nozomi snickered behind a hand as the older man waved his arms and raised his voice in his enthusiasm. “Thank you very much, but there is no need, Ayase-san. All I wanted to bring is in these boxes and my parents paid for storage space for the rest of my things.”

“You don't have your apartment anymore,” Eli expressed her sudden realization aloud.  
Nozomi turned toward him and nodded.

“There was no point in paying for housing here at the university and rent at the apartment. Especially since this dorm allows students to remain every day until the summer.”

“That’s silly, Tojo-san! Obviously you'll be staying with us! Every holiday when we pick up Elichika—” _Crash!_ “—you'll be tagging along! I insist!”

Nozomi’s cheeks reddened as she struggled to conceal all the emotions that were overwhelming her heart. Eli’s parents were opening up their home to her and treating her like a part of their family. Aside from Muse, it had been years since Nozomi felt like part of a loving family.

She caught Eli’s gaze and took in his folded arms and frowning visage. She walked over to him and wrapped her arms around one of his. She smiled up at him and he smiled back. The two stared at each other for a brief moment that felt eternal before Nozomi turned to look at Eli’s father.

“Thank you very much, Ayase-san,” Nozomi said, bowing her head.

“Alright, family! We've been up here for too long! We need to go get more boxes!” Eli’s father flexed his arms with a happy grin before turning around and heading out the door, Alisa skipping behind him. Eli and his mother looked at each other and shared a groan before following after him. Nozomi giggled at the sight before turning back towards her own possessions. There was a lot of unpacking to do.

* * *

There were many more waves of dysphoria as Eli and his family unpacked, organized the room and had dinner together at the university cafeteria. He had a small heart attack when Alisa reached for his backpack—wherein he had hidden his binder—and had to apologize and invent an excuse when he yanked it out of her hands. The rest of the night went well, aside from having to parade around the university without a binder on. He had worn two sports bras, an undershirt, a shirt, a large hoodie and a beanie, but he still didn't feel comfortable.

 _‘Not that binders are magical dysphoria erasers, but at least it's something,’_ Eli had thought while pushing his food around his plate.

Nozomi had noticed, of course, and as a consequence, made every attempt to cajole the Ayase family into leaving quickly. She made a big show of yawning, drooping her eyelids and speaking slower. Eli’s mother picked up on the hints immediately and began the long and arduous process of pulling her husband away from his child. Alisa did what she could to help and it took only a half hour—a new record—for Eli’s father to get into the driver’s seat after exiting the cafeteria.

The older man leaned his head out of the car window and turned his cheek towards Eli, who got the hint and kissed him. He said his goodbyes and the car pulled away. Nozomi watched it drive away for only a few seconds before her boyfriend grabbed her wrist and started pulling them towards their dorm building’s entrance.

“Someone’s eager to get me into my bed,” Nozomi said with a chuckle.

Nozomi saw Eli’s ears redden but he did not turn around or respond, quickening their pace as they entered the building and shot up the stairs. Nozomi felt her entire face warm up as she wondered why Eli hadn't denied it. Eli quickly unlocked their bedroom door and headed right for his backpack. Nozomi sat down on her bed and blushed harder as he turned away from her and removed all the layers of clothing on his upper body. She didn't know what to expect when he reached into his backpack, and felt her body relax when he pulled out his compression binder. Immediately afterwards, however, she felt disappointed, and she scolded herself for feeling that way.

After slipping his binder and shirt on, Eli turned around and sat down on his bed, sighing heavily before lying down. Nozomi walked over, sat down next to him and gently placed a hand on his shoulder. He smiled up at her as she squeezed reassuringly.

“I'm exhausted, Non-tan.”

“Too tired to rearrange your room?”

“Why would I need to do that?”

“Well, I brought some decorations I thought could wait until after your parents and Alisa left.”

“Oh?” Eli sat up and Nozomi retracted her hand. “What kind of decorations?”

Nozomi giggled at the sight of Eli’s glittering eyes, and made when way over to a small box on her desk that Eli hadn't noticed before. She brought the box over to Eli’s bed and placed it on her lap after sitting down.

“I wanted to ask for your permission before putting any of these up,” Nozomi said as Eli leaned forward and peered down into the box.

The first thing Eli recognized was the folded up Muse poster. Next to it were two other posters, but he couldn't tell what kind. Beneath the two were many printed-out photos. Peaking out from underneath the many pictures appeared to be some colorful cloth.

Nozomi removed the three posters first. The first poster was of Muse from their first ever photo shoot. Eli was taken aback by the image of himself winking at the camera. His midriff was exposed. His skirt barely reached his knees. Eli had forgotten that walls across Japan—and several other countries—had him on them in some kind of feminine costume.

A second poster was of the third years in their school uniforms and holding their diplomas. Eli wondered when Nozomi had that poster printed out, because it certainly wasn't available for purchase anywhere.

The final poster was a Lily White poster.

“So, Eli-kun. How do you feel about these posters?”

Eli stared down at the two posters on which he was featured. He hadn't thought about it before, but there were hundreds of images of Eli before he came out as transgender. Those images—especially the digital ones—were probably going to outlive him. And what about the posters and other Muse memorabilia?

_‘Am I going to have to come out publicly? Is Muse still well-known enough that a snap of me in men's clothing could become news? A scandal? What about our date? What about the cafeteria?’_

Nozomi had been watching Eli’s face warp from uncomfortable to downright horrified and decided to step in.

“Tell me what you're thinking.”

Eli looked up at his girlfriend, hesitance reflected in his eyes.

“Please tell me.” Nozomi placed a hand over one of his and stroked it with a thumb.

“It's just… I didn't realize how many images of me there are out in the world. Look at this poster. I'm winking while pouting my lips! And my chest looks huge. Oh, and I’m starting to agree with Umi on the skirt length issue.”

“What I'm hearing is that you don't want me to put up the posters you're in.”

Eli stared into turquoise eyes full of support and empathy. He glanced between the posters and her eyes several times before averting his gaze from both.

“It hurts to think I wouldn't want to see anything from our school idol days.”  
Nozomi nodded as she tried to think of what to say. She had considered leaving the posters at home after the incident at the parfait shop, but shoved them into her box impulsively when she heard the taxi's horn calling for her. Now that she got a chance to see the poster and her boyfriend in the same room, Nozomi inevitably wondered how much confusion Eli had dealt with while Muse was active. She concluded that there was a very strong boy sitting next to her.

“Maybe there's a compromise. Is it that you don't want to look at them or that you don't want other people seeing them? I could always take them down before anyone comes inside. A strict knocking policy is enforced, anyway.”

Eli nodded and thought about the implications of that idea. They had specifically requested building and the floor that the university had set aside for LGBT+ students; that floor was known as the Rainbow Landing. He automatically felt much more comfortable around their floormates despite not knowing any of them. Still, even if he didn't plan to make any friends, Nozomi was sure to do so, since in Eli’s eyes the purple-haired girl was irresistibly charming. Would they have to take the posters down every time they both left the room? It seemed too tedious and there were too many variables. Surely it would be doomed to fail.

“You've got pictures, too,” Eli changed the subject.

Nozomi nodded with a smile and took out the printed out images, placing them on top of the posters. They were of various sizes and dimensions, and all depicted Eli post-transition. Many of them were taken seconds apart and only differed in facial expressions. One was if then smiling. Another with silly faces. A third with Nozomi kissing Eli’s cheek. A fourth with him flustered and her giggling. Many of the pictures were of Eli alone, usually unaware that he was being photographed.

“Why so many?” he asked.

“You'll see,” she responded with a mysterious smile and a wink.

Eli wanted to frown but couldn't resist smiling at his girlfriend’s adorable antics.

“Oh! I bought some goodies for the room, too,” she said, reaching into the box once more. She removed two folded up squares of fabric and walked over to her bed, Eli following. She laid one out first, and Eli immediately recognized it as the transgender pride flag. She immediately laid down the second one in top of it, which depicted the pansexual pride flag.

“It's amazing what you can get from artists in Shibuya,” she said with a glowing smile.

Eli stared down at the flags before looking up at Nozomi, guilt swirling around in his stomach as her smile disappeared. He was looking her straight in the eyes, his expression solemn.

“Have you ever head of the term stealth?”

Nozomi shook her head.

“It means not telling anyone that you're trans. Letting them assume you're cis.”

Nozomi frowned and took both of Eli’s hands, squeezing them tightly.

“Eli… I'm so, so sorry… but that isn't possible for you. At least, not right now. Please don't take this the wrong way, but you'll get “girl” every time if you don't tell people outright that you're a boy. And if you do that, it won't take long to make the connection that you're trans.”

Nozomi took a step closer as she noticed tears pooling in Eli’s eyes.

“You're a real man, ok? You definitely are. And it's unfair that you have to always put “trans” in front of it. But I honestly believe that being out will be the most beneficial to you. I see how much it pains you to be misgendered, and there will be no hope to avoid that if you don't tell people. You don't have to say, “Hi. My name is Ayase Eli. I'm transgender”. But you could say, “My pronouns are he/him” or find some other way to work it in.”

Eli nodded, staring down at the floor and sniffling, the tears having disappeared. Nozomi used a single finger to lift his chin up. When their eyes met, she gave him a comforting smile.  
“I'll always support you. I'll never let anyone misgender you. I'll correct everyone as many times as they need. We're in this together.”  
Eli’s eyes watered again, but for an entirely different reason. His wide smile alleviated Nozomi’s concerns at the sight of the tears. He leaned forward and planted a soft kiss on her lips, lingering for slightly longer than planned. He gave her a determined look and flexed his arms in a gesture oddly reminiscent of his father.

“Let's put up all the posters!”

Nozomi giggled and shook her head, saying, “Just the Lily White one will do.”

She almost added that she expected to have pictures of the two of them with Nico and the rest of Muse soon but decided not to disturb the happy atmosphere. She instead reached in the box for all the supplies they would need for securing everything on the walls. Eli worked diligently and efficiently, and the pair made quick work of the hanging. The Lily White poster hung above Nozomi’s desk, the pansexual pride flag hung above Nozomi’s bed and the transgender pride flag hung about Eli’s bed. The boy had made to tack a picture to the cork board on the wall opposite the door but Nozomi stopped his hand with her own.

“I told you, Eli: these are for a special purpose. They'll go up later.”

She winked again, and poured at the sight of blue eyes narrowed in suspicion. It didn't take long for Eli to sigh and give Nozomi a fond look and a shrug if his shoulders. Nozomi grinned triumphantly and led Eli by the hand towards her bed. She laid down and Eli followed suit by laying down beside her. Nozomi wrapped her arms around him and snuggled her face into the crooked of his neck. Eli automatically wrapped his own arms around her and rested his chin atop her head.

“Welcome to college life, Eli-kun.”


	5. Meeting New People

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suck at naming chapters, enjoy.

A knock on the door interrupted the cuddlefest Nozomi had intended to start.

"Good evening! I'm the Residence Life Coordinator for the Rainbow Landing program. Can I talk to you guys for a minute?"

Eli was the first to stand up and Nozomi stood as he opened the door. Before him stood a person with dark dreads and beard over russet-brown skin. Their bright purple eyes—lighter than Maki's—held in them a twinkle of mirth. Their navy sports coat, black collared shirt, red suspenders, navy bowtie and black brimmed hat stood out starkly in the drab college dorm hallway. They smiled patiently at the pair, like they was used to being the first black person someone had ever met—not a difficult feat in Japan. Finally, they gave a small bow.

"My name is Takahashi Haruka. I use he, him, and his pronouns. It's very nice to meet you."

Nozomi joined Eli at the door and snaked her arm around his waist, causing the boy to blush slightly.

"Nice to meet you, Takahashi-san. I'm Toujou Nozomi and this is Ayase Elijah."

His blush deepened and a small smile crept onto his face.

"Glad to have you here Toujou-san, Ayase-san." He took in a small breath and began to rattle off a script he had clearly said several times already that day.

"I wanted to welcome you folks and let you know that we're having the school year's first mandatory building meeting in a couple minutes. Everyone who lives in the building should come down to the lounge area in the first floor. That meeting should only last about a half hour and then everyone except the residents of this floor will be dismissed. That's when we'll have a meeting just for this floor. You'll get to meet your Resident Advisor for the building and then the Peer Mentor for the floor. Oh, and we'll all have some snacks."

"We'll be right down, Takahashi-san."

He nodded and bowed once more before moving on to the next door.

"That should be fun," Nozomi said as she closed their door.

Eli sighed and threw himself onto the bed on his back. Nozomi walked over and sat down next to him.

"And why not? We're on a friendly floor, aren't we?"

"Because," Eli said, staring at the ceiling, "gay friendly doesn't mean trans friendly." He looked at Nozomi. "Or pansexual friendly."

"Maybe," Nozomi said as she ran her fingers through his ponytail, "but maybe they'll surprise us. We can't be the only ones here, after all. Transgender people have more reason to want to dorm on a floor like this, don't you think?"

Eli sat up. "How many trans people do you think there are in this school?"

Nozomi smiled. "You can't tell people are transgender just by looking at them, right? Who knows how many there are here. I betcha not all of them would live on this floor either. There aren't that many rooms."

"Mmm." Eli stood up and reached his hand out for Nozomi to take. "Let's not be late."

Nozomi beamed up at him as she took his hand and stood up. Their relationship was still very new and very exciting, and she felt a thrilled every time she took hold of his soft hand. She swung their arms back and forth as they walked down the hallway and descended the stairs.

There were already many people in the small lounge area. There were plush chairs and low wooden tables pushed up against the walls and there were people sitting in almost every available surface. The couple made due with a seat on the floor. The Residence Life Coordinator was standing in the middle, a backpack slung over one shoulder.

Next to him stood two students. One was a masculine-presenting person with short hair and a beard, all dyed electric blue. They were very tall and very muscular and had a very big, friendly smile on their face. The other was a feminine-presenting person with curly hair and a pink dress. Eli assumed those were the Resident Advisor and Peer Mentor.

Once the constant stream of students ebbed, Haruka cleared his throat and waved his arms in the air, asking the students to quiet down. Once quiet had been achieved, he grinned at them and began.

"Welcome, everyone." A couple of the older students cheered and whistled. "I'm glad to see so many new and old faces. For the new ones, my name is Takahashi Haruka, my pronouns are he, him and his, and I'm the Resident Life Coordinator for this building as well as the neighboring building. I'll be quick, since I need to go to the next building as well. I am in charge of each and every one of you. If you're having issues—scholastic or personal—please feel free to visit me at my office. I'm also in charge of all the events in this building, some of which I lead and some of which are led by these lovely individuals." He gestured at the two people standing in front of him. "I want to remind everyone about the rules for the building are in your student handbooks and you should give it a thorough read, especially since yours are specific to this building due to the Rainbow Landings program. I hope you all have a good evening and a great experience at this university."

After he felt, the blue-haired person clapped their hands together, creating a very loud sound that caused some of the students to startle.

"All of you who are not part of the Rainbow Landings program may be dismissed after I say a few words; in sure you're all eager to go. I am Ito Ryosuke—he, him, his—and I am your Resident Advisor, also known as an R.A. I'm studying to become a social worker. I live in this building on Rainbow Landing because I am a very gay man." A few students laughed goodnaturedly, including Nozomi. "I'm also here for you if you lock yourself out of your dorm or the building, need help with your studies or are confused about anything to do with how the university works. I plan out events for our building which almost always take place right in this very room. I'm also in charge of keeping you all quiet during quiet hours, so I don't sleep much." More laughter—louder than before—filled the room and Ryosuke grinned with a finger to his lips. Eli couldn't resist a small smile.

* * *

After nearly a half hour of uninterrupted speaking, Ryosuke dismissed most of his residents. Eli watched as most of the room emptied out, leaving only a dozen or so people, some of which had drifted in during his speech. Half of those student were sitting together, and the others were dispersed through the room. They all took advantage of the space and sat down on proper chairs.

"Alright," Ryosuke began, "you all heard what I had to say for the most part, so I'll now start to explain some specifics. Welcome to the Rainbow Landings program. There are only fourteen of you guys, so we're more like half a floor, but we get a whole floor of gender neutral bathrooms regardless. You're free to use the bathrooms on the other floors, but only people on our floor can use our bathrooms, so they're usually cleaner."

Ryousuke removed his backpack, which Eli hadn't noticed behind his bulky body. He retrieved a handful of pamphlets and handed them over to the person beside him, who handed them out to all the students. He also pulled out a plate of cookies covered in cellophane, two large bottles of juice and several smaller bottles of water, all of which he placed on one of the tables.

"To summarize those," he said as he removed the cellophane wrapping, "this is a safe space. The program's run by the LGBT center on this campus, and we're really strict on everyone getting along. We've got people of all sexual and romantic orientations and gender identities."

He returned to the center and crossed his arms as he gave them all a hard look. "You noticed I introduced my pronouns even though I'm cisgender? We're gonna go around and introduce ourselves and, if you're comfortable, you should tell us all your pronouns. I don't want anyone laughing maliciously or disrupting." He smiled as he turned towards the Peer Mentor. "We'll start with this lovely lady over here."

The blonde woman had returned his side and smiled broadly at the group. "I'm Ueda Akako, but you can call me Akko-chan! I'm your Peer Mentor, meaning the only people I care about in this whole building are you guys," she giggled as she spread her arms out in an all-encompassing gesture. "Oh, my pronouns are she, her and hers and I'm panromantic asexual. Ryo and I are both in our third year here and I'm studying to work with cows on farms! Exciting, right?"

_'Her appearance hadn't hinted at that at all,'_ Eli thought.

"Now it's your turn! Tell us your name, pronouns, field of study, and something else we should know! You can tell us how you identify if you want but don't feel pressured to! We all know you're queer somehow anyway," she said with another giggle.

Akko pointed straight at Eli, who startled as he was singled out. He scrambled to his feet and bowed.

"My name is Ayase Elijah. My pronouns are he, him and his. I am a first year student studying to become a lawyer. Uh…" Eli drew a blank as he avoided eye contact with everyone who was looking at him. He recalled his freshman year at Otonoki, when he had introduced himself quickly and curtly. He had changed a lot since that time. His awkward side was more on display. "I am one quarter Russian." He quickly sat down.

"Thank you, Ayase-san. How about you next, and we'll keep going in that direction," Akko said, pointing at Nozomi.

The young woman stood up slowly, a calm smile on her face. She took her time bowing to the crowd, and swept her eyes across the room before she began. She was anxious to speak in front of strangers, but she had something important to say.

"Greetings everyone. I am Toujou Nozomi. I am Eli-kun's roommate and girlfriend."

A few people in the crowd gasped, including Eli, and Nozomi caught the gaze of one person who was grinning at Eli like that information made them feel overjoyed. That look made Nozomi feel uneasy but she continued as if nothing had happened.

"I am also a first year and am studying photography. I do free tarot readings, too, so feel free to stop by our dorm room. Knock first, though, ok?"

Nozomi winked at the person that had been staring at Eli before sitting down. She felt Eli take her hand and she glanced at him. He looked very anxious and slightly pissed off, but Nozomi simply squeezed his hand and paid close attention as their floormates introduced themselves.

"Thanks everyone," Ryosuke said when the last person had spoken. "I hope we can all get along, but if anything does happen—here or at home or anywhere—don't hesitate to contact us. We both have all your cell phone numbers and email addresses, so we'll contact you soon so you can save us to your contacts. Have a nice evening. Oh, but stick around. Get to know each other. Have some cookies; I made them myself!"

Eli shot to his feet, Nozomi's hand held tightly in his, and turned towards the stairs. He couldn't move further, however, for no matter how hard he tugged, Nozomi did not budge. He looked at her, panic surging through his body when he couldn't get his hand out of his girlfriend's grip.

"Nozomi!"

"Eli," Nozomi replied calmly, and some of the tension left Eli's body, "don't you think we should be good neighbors and talk to someone? Wasn't it nice to be part of a big group at Otonoki?"

"I can't believe you want to be social," Eli said, quickly resigning himself to his fate. He couldn't resist her no matter how much he wanted to.

"Hey!"

Eli turned to the side, blue eyes meeting maroon. He didn't notice Nozomi's grip tighten slightly. The person had short green spiked up hair and thick black framed glasses. They wore an unbuttoned green plaid shirt, black skinny jeans, and a deep white V neck t-shirt with the words "Fuck the Gender Binary" in large block letters.

"Name's Fukuma Hajime, and my pronouns are they, them and theirs. Nice to meet you," they said, giving Eli a dazzling smile. Their pearl nose stud glinted with the recessed lighting of the room. Hajime thrust a hand forward and Eli shook it as firmly as he could. Hajime winced then erupted into giggles.

"My, what a strong grip, Eli-kun."

"Nice to meet you, too, Fukuma-san."

Eli startled slightly. He had almost forgotten Nozomi was there. He turned to look at her and found an unmistakably strained smile on her features.

"Oh yeah. The roommate. Nice job outing him," Hajime stated, crossing their arms and giving Nozomi a stern look.

"What?"

"Gotta let everyone know what a great and generous cis ally you are by making sure we all know you've got a trans man as a roommate, right? We're all familiar with the same-sex roommate rule, after all."

Nozomi sputtered, drawing a complete blank on how to counter. She had never considered her actions could result in those sorts of assumptions. She wanted to be angry at Hajime for staring at Eli like a shiny new collectible but couldn't deny what they had said.

"Excuse me, but I never specifically said I was trans man at all. It is wrong to make assumptions."

Hajime and Nozomi gaped at Eli's blunt rebuke. They both continued gaping as Eli bowed, said, "It was nice meeting you", and dragged Nozomi out of the room.

* * *

When Nozomi woke up the next morning, it was due to a light knock on the door. Nozomi was a very light sleeper, which never bothered her as a child. Her parents were often away on meetings or assignments and therefore spend most nights in hotels. When she lived alone, Nozomi had even less reason to be woken up. By drawing her curtains, she could be sure to sleep through the whole night and early morning until her alarm awoke her. One odd morning or two the birds would wake her instead, but that was rare.

Nozomi exited her bed eagerly, as it was a unusually warm for spring and she was sweating even under her thin bed sheet. She approached the door in time to see a sheet of paper slip under the door. Since it was face down, Nozomi picked it up and turned it around.

The flyer was titled "Come to the Entrance Ceremony". Underneath, the subtitle informed the event would be held that very afternoon and last roughly two hours. Below that was a map showing the location of the venue for the ceremony.

Nozomi frowned down at the flyer as if it had insulted her personally.

She knew it was tradition at their university for women to wear _kimono_ with _hakama_ —though many didn't—and for men to wear suits. Nozomi had brought the appropriate outfit with her, but she was fairly sure Eli didn't own a men's suit. As she sat down on her bed, Nozomi realized that she didn't know if Eli's family was going to attend the entrance ceremony. She knew her own parents weren't, but Eli's family was different. Eli's family was very tightly-kit.

"Mmm, Nozomi?"

Nozomi turned to look towards Eli's bed and met the sight of bleary azure eyes and a widely yawning mouth. His long hair was messy in a way Nozomi found absolutely adorable. She stood up and walked over to his bed, sitting down at the same time as he sat up. She flashed the flyer towards him before turning it back towards her and reading it aloud to him. His frown deepened as she went on and he slumped against the headboard, arms crossed tightly over his chest.

"I don't want to go," he said with a pout. Nozomi could hardly resist calling the look childish but held her tongue.

"You don't have anything to wear, right?"

"Yes. I already told my family I wouldn't go, anyway. You should go, Nozomi."

Nozomi turned away from him and stared down at their floor. She had looked forward to going, but that was before this morning; before she realized Eli didn't own a suit; before she realize he wouldn't go with her.

"No; it wouldn't be right."

"What isn't right is me holding you back," he responded immediately. He looked down at his lap and shifted slightly. "Just because I'm trans doesn't mean you've gotta suffer with me."

Nozomi turned to him and waited for him to look back up at her; she wanted to study his gaze as she asked, "It's as bad as "suffering" to not be able to go?"

Eli sputtered loudly, mouth opening and closing before he spoke. "I-I don't meaning it like that! I just—in general—I mean—it's all bad, I guess, so it's same-difference for me, really."

Nozomi worried at her bottom lip as he tried to make light of things. She wasn't fooled. Although he didn't elaborate, she already understood that it probably wasn't easy for him to go out in public regardless of the situation. Then she smiled. Eli raised an eyebrow at the action.

"Let's go out on a date." She said it as casually as commenting on the weather.

"Nozomi. I saw your _kimono_ in the closet. You should go," he said sternly.

"Oh, should I?"

Nozomi leaned forward and placed two hands on his shoulders to pull him closer. She kissed him softly and Eli eagerly deepened the kiss, melting against Nozomi's soft lips helplessly like he always did. Nozomi grinned against his lips as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Nozomi loved the way the handsome young man became putty in her hands. Their lips moved softly against each other, but Nozomi pulled away before Eli got the chance to peek his tongue out to deepen the kiss further. Nozomi's cheeks were flushed and her eyes twinkled with mischief. Nozomi smiled at the blue eye boy, bringing her hand up to cradle Eli's cheek. Eli smiled shyly in return.

"Let's go out on a date," Nozomi repeated, rubbing his cheek gently. "We haven't explored the area at all. Plus, tons of students skip their entrance ceremony. Let's have some fun before we have to buckle down and work our butts off."

Eli closed his eyes as he chuckled, the sound emanating from deep within his chest. Nozomi smiled fondly at the sound. When he opened his eyes, there was a fondness in it that made Nozomi's breath hitch and her heart race. As he grinned, Nozomi stared at his lips.

"Mmm, I dunno. That isn't really good enough to convince me."

Nozomi snapped her gaze back up and managed to recollect herself enough to pout. "Pretty please, Eli-kun? With tons of chocolate on top? Oh! I'll find a place online where I can buy us parfaits!"

Eli grinned and placed a single finger on the corner of her mouth.

"Can you improve the offer at all?"

Nozomi giggled, leaning forward a bit so that she could play with Eli's hair, fingernails grazing his earlobes purposefully. Eli shuddered very slightly, but Nozomi caught it and grinned.

"How about kisses?" she offered, pursing her lips together, eyeing the blonde impishly. Eli nodded slowly.

"That's even better," he purred, sending a delightful thrill down the girl's spine.

"Better than chocolate?" Nozomi asked, raising an eyebrow challengingly, her heart jumping in her chest. Eli pretended to mull it over, his expression feigning indecisiveness and a hand on his chin.

"Eli!" Nozomi scolded, hitting his shoulder gently in mock indignation. Eli chuckled again.

" _Harasho_. Definitely better than chocolate," he said, his voice rich with amusement.

"Oh, thank you so much, Eli-kun," Nozomi drawled sarcastically, rolling her eyes and huffing but also wrapping her arms around his neck again.

"You're very welcome, love," he whispered, leaning forward and catching his girlfriend's lips again. Nozomi hummed joyfully, scooting herself closer. It was over all too quickly for Eli, however, and Nozomi grinned mischievously once more at his slight pout. She stood up and walked towards her closet, sparing a glance at him before opening the doors widely.

"Sorry, Eli, but I've got a date to get ready for and I don't wanna keep him waiting."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look who's alive! It is I! I haven't abandoned this story, I promise! I'm really glad I didn't make any promises about upload schedules. I know myself too well to try and do that. But there will be more, I swear. I'm just really bad at forcing myself to sit and write.
> 
> Where do they go to college, you ask? I'll tell ya: they live around *indiscernible mumbling*, which is really close to *quiet gibberish* Station. So it's about as far away from Chiyoda as you can get whilst still in Tokyo. It would take them over an hour to get to school by train, which makes living at their school a lot more convenient.
> 
> The college I went to was a half hour from my home by car but an hour and a half by train. Yeah, public transit sucks around here. That's why I dormed. I get that wouldn't happen in Tokyo, mostly only foreigners dorm, blah blah blah. Work with me, people. Also, I want them to stay close to Otonoki for what happens later.
> 
> I started modeling their school after one of the campuses of the University of Tokyo but gave up pretty quickly. I'm still gonna base some stuff off of that, but with them dorming and all… it's gonna come off as really American anyway. But, for example, I got that stuff about the entrance ceremony from a U of T website.
> 
> Anyway, please comment and leave kudos! Give me some emotional fuel to work with! Kick me in the rear with kindness and make me write!

**Author's Note:**

> My Tumblr is nozoelinicomakikotoumirinpana


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